Original Pitches, Arguable Calls
Identity politics are still the clogged heart of America’s largest political party — still! It’s been decades since grocery stores stopped plaguing shoppers with elevator-rock music and waiting in line while some goof wrote a check for a loaf of bread. But after decades of contrary evidence, Democrats still believe their resentment-mongering identity politics are…
Did you discover something deep and important during your high school years that remained meaningful to you over many years (something other than an attractive classmate)? I might be the only Glenbard West graduate ever who would answer that question “Yes, the 19th century Russian writer Ivan Turgenev.” Maybe I should have prefaced that paragraph…
The Democrats’ festival of crazy is hard to deal with. Should we look for an explanation or look away in pity? Snarly senior Maxine Waters threatening a security guard. Permanently-outraged Chuck Schumer brandishing an avocado. Sanctuary cities doubling down as broke sanctuary cities. DC bureaucrats rallying to keep the jobs they’ve been minimizing at home….
Everyone has bad dreams. Maybe you’ve had one as bad as the epic I had, a surreal nightmare that seemed awfully real. Haunted by menacing villains and pitiful fools, I tossed and turned, unsure whether I was sleeping in my own bed or awake in a pulp crime novel. This nightmare seemed to last four…
Jimmy Carter, elected President in 1977 by a malaise-vulnerable country, passed away on December 29th. The Carter presidency can no longer be called the worst in American history. Credit for that goes to the presidency soon to end amid mumbling, stumbling, governing by unseen far-leftist handlers, and the pardoning of odious criminals. The disaster of…
The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs Aesop — A man owns a uniquely productive goose. Instead of laying ordinary eggs, this goose produces an egg of pure gold every day, which the man sells, making him more prosperous every day. But the man grows impatient with the goose’s production. He thinks that cutting the…
Maybe you’re not old enough to recall Tony Joe White’s big 1970 hit, a kinda rock-country, kinda down-home-dopey song called Polk Salad Annie. Maybe you’re just old enough to recall that Elvis loved this southern-fried fable so much he covered it in most every concert. (Did that song trigger dangerous weight gain?) Here it is,…
Ten of the following quotes are verbatim public statements made during the term of Vice President Kamala Harris. I wrote the other ten. Try to guess which ten of these are actually Harris quotes and which ten are Bittinger facsimiles. No cheating, now. Don’t internet-search the quotes individually or through shortcuts like “political gibberish” and…
Though it’s nearly as popular as eating, gambling has always struck me as slightly strange. It’s an adult activity that might be a better idea for children playing with toy chips and without a life savings to lose. Gambling has become even more popular in recent years, with 73% of Americans having bet in the…
Following are actual Joe Biden quotes from his long, peculiar service as senator, vice president, presidential candidate, technical president, and whatever his position has been at whatever the Biden family’s international business is. For each quote, I’ve attempted an interpretation. I once heard a linguistics scholar describe how problematic the translation of ancient Chinese pictographic language…